Parents Just Don't Understand

So...this song just kept popping up in my head for some reason when I was asked how my parents felt about my depression. 

When I told them about it, I got different responses...in order to understand this better, you may need the background info 1st:

1. If you don't know, I was adopted by my uncle when I was 10yrs old. I am 1 of 6 (4 brothers and a sister)
2. Both of my parents were on drugs...my first recollection of my birth mother was in a rehab facility
3. I never met my brith father...as far as I'm concerned, my uncle was, has been, and always will be, my "daddy"

So that's pretty much that. My father was married twice...his first wife hated my sister and me...she frequently called us "crack babies", and said that we would probably end up like our crack head mother...not a great thing to hear at like 4 or 5 

Anyway, he remarried, and she was nice...for awhile...when I say awhile, I probably mean a few weeks...eventually, the abuse started...

It was everything from all types of verbal assaults (ugly, stupid, hoe, bitch, etc.), to physical (beatings with all sorts of things), to the real low blows: "you can go back to your mother in the bronx...it's not like I'm burning you with cigarettes or something"...

So...flash forward to about a yr and half ago, and I called each of them to tell them about my diagnosis. 

Pops: It's all her fault!!! She made you crazy!!! 

Her: Um...I don't get it...who made you feel depressed? 

Me: 

In the mist of all the blame, I've come to realize a few things:

1. While depression is a result of a chemical imbalance that depletes my "happy genes", there are some circumstances that have made it a lot worse. 
2. My dad, while I love him, probably didn't recognize my symptoms at a young age for what they were...most parents probably wouldn't have, and I don't blame him for it. 
3. Now that I'm older, and I don't live with my parents, I have a better handle on things that make me nervous, anxious, or depressed, and I have my husband to be my shoulder when the weight is heavy. 
4. Unfortunately, in order to start my healing and recovery, I had to let a lot of people go...my stepmother being one of them. 

Overall, I think my parents reaction towards it was...I don't have a word to describe it...but, parents don't really understand much of anything to me, even at 25. I just hope that once I have kids, that I'm more aware and attune to them...so if they are in pain, I can help, because that's what parents are supposed to do. 

-Tina

Slow Progress...Always Better Than No Progress

Some people think that just by taking their meds (or "happy pills" as I like to call them), that everything will start to become better overnight...

DEFINITELY NOT THE CASE!!!

While I will admit that after going back on meds after a horrible three months of withdrawal, I definitely feel a lot better: I'm sleeping better; I'm eating more normally; I don't feel like punching a hole in the wall...it's a great feeling!!!


But I do have my "moments". Sometimes I cry...sometimes I feel..."blah"...sometimes I want to be left alone, other days I don't want to be by myself. But I think the thing that seems to have the largest impact, is the anxiety.

In addition to depression, I also suffer from anxiety disorder. My medicine helps both. Other than my closest friends and my Husband, no one really understands the depth of its impact, the biggest being that although I've had my license since I was 19 (so about 6yrs), the thought of getting behind the wheel makes me queasy...I never told anybody though, so a lot of times it seemed as though my husband was just a limo driver, but in reality, I couldn't get up the courage to get behind the wheel. :-(

But today, was a good day: I actually drove my car to the grocery store up the street from my apartment....granted, the music was off, and I was being coached by my best friend the whole time, but nonetheless, I made it to the store and back without hyperventilating!!!

I am really hoping that I can start practicing...little by little, I can drive further and further; my goal is to get a 2nd car so I can go places by myself without fear of...anything really. That may be a while down the road, but I know it is achievable. For now though, I'm just going to take it one day at a time. :-)




-Tina