I knew awhile before I had my daughter that I was going to end up with postpartum depression. I wasn't trying to claim it - but I knew my chances were greater already being depressed, and not being on medication, I didn't have anything to help me cope with the wave of emotions that come with having a child and transitioning into motherhood.
So, what seemed like a bout of baby blues the first few weeks has turned into this - yesterday I told my Husband I didn't want to be here. And for awhile, I thought "here" was in the situation - just having a hard time adjusting to being a parent, and not having confidence in my abilities as a mother (you'd think I'd be over it after surviving the first three months, which are said to be the hardest...but no; smh). Then I thought about it, and the more I thought about it, I realized that that wasn't what I meant.
I've lost interest in pretty much everything that's not related to the baby. Not that I have the means to do anything anyway, but if I did, I don't even want to. I only eat once a day...sometimes I don't even do that - considering I was a food junkie before (and that you pretty much die if you don't eat), this is a drastic change.
I cry...a lot. Sometimes I go from being sad, to angry, to furious - but never happy; I haven't felt happy in a very long time. If you're wondering, I never take it out on the baby; in fact, I'm the epitome of patience with her. I have no feelings towards anything - I feel like I'm just living, but not for a purpose. And it seems like it's one bad thing after another happening to my family (hence, me writing this instead of being omw to work because of the stupid shutdown). In general, I feel a disconnect from everything I once held dear to me. So, it finally occurred to me last night that although I haven't actually done anything, I've been behaving like a person that plans on ending her life...and for me, that is R O C K B O T T O M.
I went to a therapist - I have another session coming up. At the last session, she said that I have something I have to prove to myself, but I don't know what it is. Well, at this session, I think I'll be able to tell her I have one thing to prove - that I am stronger than this illness. I have someone's life on the line other than my own, and I can't let them down. I can be the worst at everything else in the world, but I have to do right my them.
I never meant to feel this way...I don't want to be sad all the time. I want to get better; I really do. I made a promise to myself to not get back on meds til I was done breastfeeding though, so that puts me in a bit of a bind as far as treatment, which is why therapy is probably my only option right now...and prayer. I can admit I haven't been doing that. I'm having a bit of a Job moment right now - wondering why I'm suffering. I guess I now need to get to the point where I realize that it's all for a purpose, and that I can get through it. But it's hard to see the sunshine through the clouds.
