All I can say is, sometimes your strength is tested not by circumstances/situations that are thrown at you, but by how you react to them.
So...where to begin...
Life took an unexpected turn for me about two weeks ago...Baby Jr. decided to come to be...and to my surprise, I wasn't that excited; I was in complete & utter shock -->
My husband is extremely excited...and he should be; he's going to be a great dad
...me on the other hand...not so sure *shrug*
Between hearing the big news, and some 'family drama'...I have not been the happiest Tina that I could possibly be. I decided to get some professional help.
I saw a psychiatrist last week, for a few reasons:
1. Anti-depressants can have very adverse reactions on a baby
2. I got pregnant a long time ago, and did not keep it; however, I still went though a bad bout of depression, which included a suicide attempt...needless to say, I didn't want to go through that again
3. It was (and still is) disturbing to me that I am not the least bit excited...at all; and I wanted some type of insight about my feelings *or lack thereof*
So I headed to the doctor...it was an hour of gut-spilling about my life...I didn't like it; I've always felt like there are people in this world that are going through far worse than me...and I should be able to "suck it up", and go on with my life...In an ideal world, that would be great to be able to do, but unfortunately, it's no that simple...so I stayed..and talked...and talked...until I couldn't talk anymore
Because of my history, the doctor felt it was in my best interest to stay on the meds for a little while longer, until I could get a hold of how I was feeling. He also said that my ambivalence towards my pregnancy is also an affect from my depression...not finding pleasure in things that normally would make people excited and happy...I honestly think it's more than that...but that's for another post.
The bottom line is, depression is something that is a struggle to deal with anyway, but being depressed and pregnant...well, I'm scared shitless right now...the last thing I want is to do anything that'll harm Baby Jr., or myself...this has haunted me everyday since I found out I was pregnant :(
For now, I'm just going to take it for what it is, and keep my health & strength *both mentally & physically* up...because someone's life is on the line now...and that's something I don't want to mess with.
-Tina
